It always begins with a whisper, it is so small and so quiet, that most miss it.
We are born into this world completely fresh, pure, raw, vulnerable, and impressionless. We begin to grow rapidly and collect things along our way, lots of things. Most of those things are so heavy and so uncomfortable to carry that we don't keep them on the outside, we let them inside, and they become something we think we are.
Some things I collected along the way:
Who my family wanted me to be
Who my friends wanted me to be
Who the church/school/community wanted me to be
The drive for performance in the arts, academically, and athletically
The explicit messages on TV, radio, movies, and other media
The advertising on magazines, billboards, and store fronts
The mantra that you need to do good in school, to get into a good college, meet a doctor or a lawyer, make sure he isn't too focused on his job, you don't want a work-a-holic, don't get married too early, that will ruin your ability to travel, don't have kids too late, you don't want to be an 'older mom' do you?
The list goes on....
You can't keep up when you are living for anyone but your most authentic self. The good news is you don't have to keep up. You don't have to do anything that doesn't light up your soul. I hope and pray you continue to do less of what you don't like and more of what you love until all of your time is filled with positive energy.
Remember playing as a 2-5-year-old, before that first moment you experienced judgment, shame, or guilt? I don't. But I do often lay quietly and search for the 3-year-old Jenelle, the 2 and 1-year-old, the purest and rawest form of me and who I am.
I began a spiritual journey a long long time ago, but trying to be spiritual is hardly the point. That never works, in fact, it does more damage and causes more work to be done later -- I'll argue, however, that it is part of the process. There is usually a period of resistance before flow.
The moment I surrendered those 'things' from above, all of who I thought I should be, and relinquished the decades of conditioning, I felt free to be me.
I tried for the first 30 years of my life to be everything to everyone, skipping over the most important one of all. Myself. It is not wrong to love yourself, it is essential. Spending more time thinking studying and reflecting on who I am in my core has made me even more fascinated to learn more. The more I learn and grow from the inside, the more I can give confidently, show up authentically, and love presently; 3 aspects that if I am doing well, I can be the best version of myself.
For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with kids, babies, and moms who have them growing in their bellies. The miracle of human life to me is still is one of the most beautiful wonders of the world. There isn't a child in the world that I look at without smiling, sending joy rays through my body, and a deep appreciation of the beauty in their eyes.
Somewhere between 5 and 30 years old I listened so much to the loud external ones and neglected the small quiet one. I made a decision earlier this year to 'stop working off of other people's to-do lists'. This choice involved leaving an absolutely incredible company, amazing salary, and benefits, trusting and collaborative co-workers, innovation, growth, and opportunity. It was on paper the dream job. It was the perfect job to present to the outside world that I was happy, successful, and determined, that my Masters degree was 'worth it'. I am so thankful to Philips for leading me on this chapter of my life into forcing me to think about what brings me joy. Who and what I am living for?
I left a terrific job for a dream in my head, during a global pandemic that would impact the demand for childcare. I battled with my ego about it being the right time, would I make it a reality, what would I do if I failed, what would others think?
Tomorrow marks the first day of my dream. My first day of business, with only my to-do list; a life I designed and came together perfectly. It was and has always been the right thing to do. I have prayed, hoped, and thought about the kids' lives I get to be a part of and there is no greater honor.
Listen to those nudges friends and family, listen for the whisper, the press for you to listen to your heart. Leave your ego at the door, your soul is much more beautiful and powerful.
The magic in tomorrow is that tomorrow is a real day, not a dream, hope, or maybe someday.
June 15th, 2020. 31 years, 11 months, and 4 days in the making.
Bee You, Bee Happy
Jenelle
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